BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED VAGINA In yet another piece of Darwinist propaganda being shoved down our collective throats by so-called "scientists," it has recently been reported that chimpanzees "share 99.4 percent of functionally important DNA with humans," and that these hooting, lice-picking beasts actually belong in our own embarrassingly-named genus: Homo. "The DNA information, combined with the ancestral links, should result in a new family tree, with the genus Homo including humans, common chimpanzees, and bonobo chimpanzees," explained a tool of Satan during an interview with the ZOG-funded disinformation outlet, Discovery magazine. Roger Fouts, co-director of the Chimpanzee and Human Communication Institute - which sounds like the kind of place where they commit daily crimes against the natural order - provided further nightmare-inducing imagery for us to ponder: "Richard Dawkins perhaps provided the best visual for our link to chimps. Imagine taking the hand of your grandmother, who was holding the hand of her grandmother and so on down the line. 155 miles out, one of the women would be holding the hand of a chimpanzee." But don't worry folks. If you're like yer old pal Jerky, and you've got "faith," you aren't really required to believe such things. Just put your head back down on the desk and go to sleep. Shhh… Shhh… that's it… Quiet and sleepy… Okay, Cheetah! Attack while he's drowsy! Bash his head in, quickly! YEAH!!! Now you're talkin'! Shrugging off the massive failure that was her daytime talk show the way a hippopotamus might shrug off raisins spit at it through a pea-shooter, Roseanne Epstein-Barr-Arnold is defying expectations (not to mention all our hopes and dreams) by returning to ABC this summer, to take another crack at television. And this time, the fun won't ever stop, because everybody's favorite mentally ill harpy-shrew will be applying her talents to a "reality" show! "In terms of what is she really like now," described a producer, "you are going to get to see. You're going to see Roseanne - the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the everything." Well, not so much the pretty, probably. But the as-yet-untitled prime-time show will begin airing in late July, and will feature cameras following Roseanne as she puts together a cooking series which, in an example of media synchronicity gone wild, will actually air on the ABC Family Channel. According to producers, the cameras will follow Roseanne "everywhere but the bathroom," which is where "she draws the line." Thank Godzilla for small mercies. Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for this year's winner of the World's Greatest Mom Award! ("Munchausen by Proxy" division) In an apparent bid to improve their dismal ratings and cement every male chauvinist preconception forever in time, fem-oriented cable channel Oxygen will soon begin airing a TV series aimed at a heretofore-neglected home viewer demographic… cats! That's right, you read right: Meow TV is about to hit the scene. Cloyingly described by creator Richard Kirshenbaum as "the first ever television show for cats and the people they tolerate," the series will include segments such as The Squirrel Alert, in which squirrels run up and down trees, creating the kind of flashing colors designed to make the synapses in our feline friends' pecan-sized brains go absolutely fuckin' wild! The show is hosted by shameless actress Annabelle Gurwitch, and her no-doubt horrible cat Stinky, and it will probably be pretty fun to watch whilst stoned. INNOCENT QUESTION # P3337007007 - So let's get this straight… In the span of three weeks, Dubya's administration has had to deal with the resignations of Iraq war commander General Tommy Franks, White House press secretary Ari "Liar" Fleischer, Budget Director Mitch Daniels, Environmental Protection Agency chief Christine Todd Whitman, US Treasurer Rosario Marin, and the entire membership of his much-touted (and utterly buggered) "crack, elite" Economic Advisory panel. This is on top of a number of high profile protest resignations in the diplomatic corps. Yer old pal Jerky has to wonder, when is this rather remarkable exodus going to be treated as a serious issue in the mainstream press?

ON THESE DAYS! May 29 On this day in 1919, physicist Arthur Eddington confirms Albert Einstein's prediction that light is capable of bending when he observes a Catholic priest watching some altar boys change clothes from around two blind corners. Also on this day, in 1978, former Hogan's Heroes and World's Filthiest Home Videos star Bob Crane was... um... well, somebody caved in his skull with a camera tripod or something, see... but at the time, the cops decided it was one of those cases that was best left unsolved. And so it remains, to this very day. Also on this day, in 1900, the Otis Elevator Company registers the trademark for their latest invention, the Escalator, ushering in a bold new era of laziness and morbid obesity. On this day in 1942, Bing Crosby records White Christmas, which will eventually go on to become the greatest selling record of all time. Afterwards, der Bingster went home, took off his belt, and planted the seeds of suicide in his underachieving sons by mercilessly beating them until they were bloody and screaming.

THEY SAID IT! "I don't believe anyone that I know in the administration ever said that Iraq had nuclear weapons." — Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, at a hearing of the Senate's appropriations subcommittee on defense, May 14. *** **** *** "We believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons." — Vice President Dick Cheney on NBC's Meet the Press, March 16.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Uriel35... Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor said, Where?" Buford said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Cronos28 for sending in today's second joke. A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Aniket Kulkarni sent in this shitty joke. There was a man in a bar. He was heavly drunk that night. Suddenly he noticed that there was a statue of a nude lady with really big breasts. He went there. There was a note written - "Press the laddy's big breasts , to get a bottle of beer." The man became excitted and did as told. After he pressed her breasts a beer bottle came down her pussy. He did this 2 to 3 times. Then he went home and his wife opened the door. When he entered inside he asked his wife to remove her clothes. Since he was drunk his wife did not argue with him and removed her clothes. He then pressed her breasts but nothing happened. He did this again but to no success. But this time he pressed them real hard, due to which his wife pissed. On seeing this he said " I think that the bottle broke inside.".

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; Regarding your May 17 edition and the very good recipe for "Scottish" (actually Scotch) Eggs, here is the next level of scotch egg eggstacy. After spending a least a good hour and a half up to your elbows in pork fat. Make this sauce while frying those delicious golden heart stoppers. 3 cups Zatarains Creole Mustard 1/2 lb. honey 1/2 oz Louisiana Gold brand hot sauce Mix well and chill. This is the best sauce I have ever dipped a scotch egg in. Signed: BC Dear BC; Your "recipe" seems to consist of taking two other people's recipes and mixing them with honey. Works for me! *** ***** *** Fess up Jerky you fat socialist stoner bastard... You won't release the addresses of the girls in the free pix section to the aforementioned 3rd world schlubs because you're banging all of them like a Salvation Army bass drum... you selfish lucky prick! Cheers; Ozebloke Yeah, that's right. I'm banging them all. That's the ticket. I'm livin' la vida porno over here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just... I have to... (insert sounds of Jerky's receding footsteps as stumbles out of the room, sobbing) *** ***** *** Dear Jerky; As a "Native Texan" (as we call those actually born there) I am highly offended that it has never been noted that the Bushes are old family rich Yankees, educated at Yale, and migrated South to the no state income tax residences of Texas and Florida. Neither Bush has ever done anything of their own merit, except raise a few rich bitch daughters, so for that reason alone, I've let it slide, but Bush is no more a Texan than you MOPJ. Wanna buy a little house in Dallas? Dallas voted with the majority. Signed: RWC Gonna have to pass on your house offer, RWC. All my liquidity is tied up in a number of pyramid scams. Maybe next year I'll have more capital to work with, as I'll be starting up what promises to be a lucrative envelope stuffing business just as soon as my starter's kit arrives in the mail. At a mere twenty dollars, it was a STEAL!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ANOTHER HORRIBLE WAY TO DIE! Care of: ToryPorn Yo Jerky, your story about that poor retard left to fill a room with his own faecal deposits reminded me of an analogy that my old science teacher used to use. It also ties in nicely with your wonderful vision of death - 'The Sandpaper Room' - and all the recent kerfuffle over A.A. As an analogy for alcohol creation, old Mr Houlton got us to picture a big glass box full of warm tomato soup, (picture it Jerky, feel those salivary glands go mental), then you get in the soup. And you don't get out. This was where my sick mind split from the theories of my teacher as I took to viewing this as the 'Great Tomato Soup Box of Doom'. So you stay in the soup and its nice and warm. You get hungry, so you get some of that sweet tomatoey (not sure of the spelling Mr. Quayle) goodness down you. Then you shit. Then you eat. Then you shit. Soon that lovely red box is turning slightly brown, and it doesn't taste so good anymore either. Within a month, obviously bored to fuck, you begin to feel some interesting pains in your pancreas, liver and kidneys. Eventually, you die. My joy would be to see this in a film one day, something like the ilk of Se7en. And of course, for you alcoholics out there, alcohol is all that shit that you (the yeast) produces. Yes, alcohol is shit. No need to thank me, only doing my civic duty. Sich Heil! - Toryporn [If alcohol is shit, then it's only shit in the metaphorical sense of shit, the same way Burt Reynolds and Creed are both shit. And even then, it's not really. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com