ARTS AND CRAFTS CORNER! MANNERS, PEOPLE! It has come to yer old pal Jerky's attention that there are a whole lot of people out there with a whole lot to say about a whole lot of different topics. Unfortunately, when everybody's got something to say, who is left to listen? Nobody, that's who. We are fast approaching a threshold beyond which lie three hundred million screaming solitudes. And we wonder why mental illness is pandemic. Things are already pretty bleak. Skyscrapers are raining down on our heads, the Jews and Arabs are trying to start World War III, politicians are getting unfairly slandered and attacked and even gunned down in Europe for failing to support the emerging EU monolith, and our own politicians smile like retards and praise Jesus as though everything were going exactly as planned. Understandably, frustration and hopelessness are at an all-time high. Take our young mister Lucas John Helder, for example, the Minnesota Nirvana fan who recently got himself in a jam. When his attempts at getting a forum for his "groundbreaking" metaphysical ideations fell on deaf ears, he resorted to a historically tried and true attention-getting method: PIPE BOMBS! Pipe bombs can be a very effective PR tool. They explode, so they're flashy! They send deadly shrapnel flying through the air, so they're automatically taken seriously. They get a crowd's attention like nobody's business. That's what it's all about, after all… making a big noise so all heads in the crowd turn towards you… all eyes fall on YOU. And then it's show time. But you know what, people? Now there's a kinder, gentler way to get people's attention. Yer old pal Jerky, being a pacifist, doesn't like to see people getting their fingers blown off over simple misunderstandings. That's why he's created the OUCHLESS PIPE BOMB! Patent pending, of course. Yes, the Ouchless pipe bomb is a modern wonder! Instead of a hard steel pipe, you use a cardboard paper towel tube! Instead of explosives, you use compressed air with a controlled release! Instead of broken glass, finishing nails, ball bearings and staples for shrapnel, you use stuff like 1) fluffy cotton balls, 2) confetti, 3) dewy rose petals and 4) plump marshmallows. It's a DELIGHT to have one of these things go off in your face! No go forth and do good!

ON THIS DAY! May 9 On this day in 1989, Vice-President Dan Quayle delivers a speech to the United Negro College Fund board of governors. In it, he mangles that institution's motto - A mind is a terrible thing to waste - by declaring: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful." Listen with your own ears, right here, if you don't believe me. You know, now that we've all experienced 43's suspiciously familiar verbal locutions, it kinda clears up some of the mysteries surrounding 41's choice of running mates way back in 1988... Potatoe-head Dan reminded Herbert Walker of his own first-born son!

THEY SAID IT! "The twentieth century has been characterized by three developments of great political importance: the growth of democracy, the growth of corporate power, and the growth of corporate propaganda as a means of protecting corporate power against democracy." - Author and social critic Alex Carey. *** *** *** "I saw Spiderman last night, awesome movie. But I kept thinking how lucky Peter Parker was to have those web shooters form in his forearm instead of his ass like every other spider on the planet." - Daily Dirt reader Lip, making bourbon shoot out yer old pal Jerky's nose yesterday morning (ouch, motherfucker!)

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Nudo... Mother Teresa died and went to Heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates."Art thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet. The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in Heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand. "God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Wizoo... Joe was sitting as usual, his back leaning against the wall of his friend Pete's shack. Then Pete came out of the shack with a butterfly in his hand. "Hey Pete," Joe called, "where are you going with the butterfly?" "I'm going to get some butter." "You're an idiot," Joe scoffed. "Butter doesn't come from butterflies." But a few minutes later, to Joe's astonishment, Pete returned with a pot of butter. The next day, Pete hurried out with a jar of horseflies. "Where are you going?" Joe asked. "To get horses," Pete said. Joe couldn't stop laughing until Pete came back an hour later leading two beautiful stallions. The next day, Joe saw Pete walking out of his shack carrying a handful of weeds. "What?s that?" he called out. "Pussy willow," Pete answered. "Hold on!" Joe roared, leaping to his feet. "I'm coming with you!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Knud Dam Hanson. A big city guy allways wanted a small farm in the countryside, and he had heard, that the futher out he got, the cheaper they were. One day, he dicided that now it was time to fulfill his dream. He drove and drove for hours, and finaly he found a small farm for sale. He told the farmer that he would like to buy the farm, and the farmer asked him out in the garden for a cup of coffe. They sat there disgussing the price, which the cityguy found to high, as a bee turned up. The cityguy flapped out his arms, trying to get the bee off, and looked very upset. The farmer said;" I don`t understand, there is no bees in about 3 miles range from here. But i tell you what; if you let me tie you naked to the barndoor for 2 hours, and you get one single beesting, i wil let you have the farm for half price." The cityguy concittered this for a moment, and agreed. After a couple of hours the farmer returned, and found the cityguy hanging lifeless from the barndoor. He hurried to cut him down, and slammed him in the face to get him back to life. "Was ther any bees, or what happened?" he asked. "No man, no bees. But tell me, that calf over there, dosen`t it have a mother?"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hail Jerky One! On the subject of the Bilderbergers... What are your thoughts? Signed: Mick Well Mick, as far as yer old pal Jerky is concerned, you can't go wrong with the basics. The meat must be top quality, roughly chopped and mixed with a little bit of finely shredded bread crumbs. If very lean, an ice-chip should be folded into the patty before you cook it. As for toppings: ketchup, mustard, mayo, raw onions and lettuce are all de rigeur. I never put tomatoes on there, and only occasionally do I add a long slice of dill pickle. The bun is very important, as it contributes immensely to the bite of the thing. A nice kaiser roll, fluffy on the inside and flaky on the outside, is ideal. If you Bilder-cheese-berger, then you may forgo the mayo, if you so desire. Considering side dishes, yer old pal Jerky prefers plain potato chips to french fries or onion rings, as the crunch compliments the meat-and-bread gooeyness very well. Oh, wait a minute... did you mean these Bilderbergers?! If so, I have no comment... for reasons that will become clear as soon as you follow the link provided. Cheers, YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: A RESPONSE TO THE UNABOMBER'S GIRLFRIEND'S ANTI-POLYESTER MANIFESTO! Care of: Vida Boheme. Nicole, Thanks for commenting on your hatred of clothing labels, bras, anything not cotton, Wonderbras, bras in general, tampons, and the resulting endometriosis, scarring, yeast infections, pimply ass, constant feelings of razors on your skin, and the general tendency to ramble due to your frightening allergy to polyester. Not to alarm you and the readers, but did you know that Hitler's men, from generals to footsoldiers, also wore polyester uniforms? No wonder they were so cranky and hated Jews, Gypsies, Catholics, cripples, retards, and anyone with dark hair. They had razorblades running all over their bodies with those uniforms! In fact, I heard that they gave prison wear fashioned of polyester and lycra (or was it tencel?) to concentration camp guests, and their bodies mysteriously began ending up in giant holes, covered in lime. I have read many fashion and fabric magazines on this very exact subject, Nicole! The cure is this: Siphon gasoline by mouth into a garbage can, a la Cheech and Chong. Jump in the garbage can and splash around a bit, Nicole. Have fun with it, swim around, smoke a fag. Marinade in this mixture for a while until all of your old, weak skin sloughs off. Sure, you'll look like Jason Vorhees from Jason X: Jason Sees Himseff Some Space Titty, but you will be able to wear all of those polyester products with reckless abandon. Enjoy life, L'il Nicky! Vida [This is why yer old pal Jerky usually goes nude, much to the consternation of his landlady and random passers-by. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com